I’ve just about isolated the culprit when the door swings open. My fingers move from desperate, primate sorting to smoothing. I smile at my co-worker who’s walked in. She’s not a day over 25. She’s years away from understanding what it’s like to be caught, face awkwardly close to the mirror, confronting the white hairs that have taken root. The light in the office bathroom tells the whole truth. Ever since I stopped dyeing my hair, I’ve been waiting for the whites, the grays, the sad, … [Read more...] about To Dye or Not to Dye: What Happened When I Stopped Dyeing My Hair After 20 Years of Highlights
Hey guys - I know I've been MIA. And I wish, wish, wish it was only because I am so busy that I haven't had a second to write. But, my absence here hasn't been a time issue. Our family recently lost a dear friend to cancer, and there really isn’t much that I don’t see through the lens of loss and grief these days. Bottom line, it's been a shitty, shitty spring. I've been writing a lot, but nothing that I'm ready to publish. And, reading a ton. I've also spent many hours sitting still, … [Read more...] about Hi friends.
A few days before my 40th birthday, I walked into Publix and purchased body lotion. But not just any body lotion, Positively Ageless, firming body lotion, clinically shown to provide firmer looking skin. The active ingredient is shiitake mushrooms. It reeks of desperation. I was mostly thinking, if this crap worked, it wouldn’t be $6.99. Yet, I hung onto a glimmer of hope. Maybe it will help, even just a little. I hadn’t thought much about my birthday other than it was a milestone that … [Read more...] about 40 Year Old Seeking Positively Ageless Skin
You know when you don't call a friend for awhile, and the longer you wait the harder and harder it gets to pick up the phone? That's how I feel right now. But I'm doing it, I'm writing a blog post, and I'm hitting the publish button. Just because I haven't been here, doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you. I think about you all the time. Here goes nothing... Recently, I was sitting around a dining room table in the house of a woman I had never met. There were seven other women … [Read more...] about Meeting, Marching, & Having a Voice
I've been walking around for the last few weeks in complete Christmas denial. Nothing about celebrating feels right to me this year. There are so many things that I want, but none of them can be wrapped and put under a tree. It's a new kind of want that comes from fear, but also a heightened sense of the world around me. I'm still going through the motions of putting up a tree, decorating gingerbread houses, and baking cookies. I'm still trying to give my children a Christmas full of joy. … [Read more...] about My Christmas List
I am operating on 4 hours of sleep. It is cold and rainy outside. I am not in a good place. I picked up our Magic 8 Ball on a whim and asked, "Is it going to be okay?" The reply: It is certain. So, why do I still feel like crap? I'm giving myself one day. One day to wear sweatpants and binge watch tv (Have you seen The Crown!?!?!) and eat chips from the bag and generally feel sad. One day to think all the snarky thoughts, because, I'll be honest, they are flowing … [Read more...] about It is certain.
Sometimes in the morning, if there are a few extra minutes before we leave for the bus stop, I'll hop on Facebook and scroll through my feed. This morning, I decided to play one last video from Hillary Clinton's campaign. I'd seen the same video popping up over the last few days but hadn't had a chance to watch. But about one minutes in, I turned it off. Otherwise, I would have been in tears as I sent my boys off to school for the day. After waving to the bus, I climbed into my car, pulled … [Read more...] about Deal Me In
It's enough. I've spent the last few years paying attention. Feeling everything deeply. Examining and excavating and doing the work of becoming my true self. I've been picking myself apart. Trying to understand why I am the way I am. I thought if I could write it all down and show it to someone that it would make sense, and they would finally see. I've written down every last thing I can remember. I've read every book. Ive highlighted and taken notes and have been the best student of … [Read more...] about It’s Enough