It’s Enough

It’s enough.

I’ve spent the last few years paying attention. Feeling everything deeply. Examining and excavating and doing the work of becoming my true self.

I’ve been picking myself apart. Trying to understand why I am the way I am. I thought if I could write it all down and show it to someone that it would make sense, and they would finally see.

I’ve written down every last thing I can remember. I’ve read every book. Ive highlighted and taken notes and have been the best student of myself. I’ve tried to connect all the dots.

And I’m exhausted.

There’s no question that it had to be done. That I needed to go down that path. I needed to crawl deep into the valley and claw my way back out. It’s been four years of self-help books, online courses, writing, and hashing it all out.

And now, at least for the time being, peace. Acceptance. And a whole lot of, “So what?”

At some point, you have to stop picking everything apart. You have to let go.

Pain is pain is pain. Everybody has it. Every last one of us.

After a lifetime of trying to avoid and protect myself from pain, I turned straight into the gale force of it. I planted my feet and screamed, “Is that all you’ve got?”

I stood my ground. I felt every last thing I had tried for so long to bury. And then it stopped blowing. I had won. The pain didn’t seem so scary anymore.

I was driving home from work the other day listening to Abby Wambach on Fresh Air. If you’re not familiar with her, she’s a world class athlete (she holds the record for most goals ever scored in international soccer) and star of the women’s national soccer team. She recently retired and wrote a memoir.

I was surprised to learn that she struggled with alcohol addiction. And I was blown away when she said in her interview (this is paraphrased because I was driving):

“I was numbing myself with alcohol. I had this intense desire to be seen. To be seen for who I really am.”

One of the greatest female athletes ever, on one of the biggest stages in the world, did not feel seen.

Well, shit.

There it is. The thing we all know but try to avoid.

I had this intense desire to be seen.

I heard this and I thought, Enough.

Our desire to be seen is all encompassing. Not to be seen on a stage, Look at me. That’s not going to give you what you need. But to be truly understood and loved by the people that you bring into your life.

And the only way to do that is to really understand who you are and accept it and decide that even if no one else in the world can, you will love yourself unconditionally.

I’m tired of picking. I’m ready to be done. See me, or don’t. No one will ever know my truth the way I know it, because it only belongs to me. And that’s okay.

Now, I move forward. I worry less about where I came from and more about where I’m going. I’ve stopped spinning in circles, chasing, chasing.

It’s enough.

When Kaly doesn’t have her nose in a book, she wrangles and referees two elementary age boys and blogs about her humorous efforts to lead a mindful, connected life. She’s the author of Good Move: Strategy and Advice for Your Family’s Relocation, a book about the craziness of moving with kids. Her writing has been featured on sites such as Mamalode, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Scary Mommy to name a few. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.