As my oldest son recently turned ten, I was feeling pretty damn good about being a parent. It’s like after years of struggling, doubting, and worrying, I finally hit a bit of a stride. It’s still not easy, but it’s feeling less and less like being continuously pummeled by blunt objects. That’s a good thing, right?
I figured that I should relish this moment of confidence as it’s soon to disappear into thin air as we barrel toward the tween and teen years. I’ve learned enough after ten years to know that any sense of control I may feel today is not real. Things will make a 180 any minute now, and my confidence will go the way of the dodo–something that once existed but was wiped out by a volcano of hormonal turmoil. It probably wasn’t hormones that led to the dodo’s extinction, but you get my point.
Ten things I’ve learned
in the ten years I’ve been a parent:
1. Boundaries. 98% of being a parent is setting boundaries and choosing to enforce them, or not. The other 2% is meal preparation. In the setting of boundaries, it’s good to have consequences. Just make sure that in your enthusiasm to lay down the gauntlet, they’re consequences that you can live with too. These boundaries aren’t just for your children, they’re for you too (See #2).
2. You can’t fix everything. You can’t Olivia Pope your kids. Watching them fail is torture. Watching them lose is like a dagger through the heart. Watching them fall knocks the wind out of you. But you’re not doing them any favors rescuing them every time something doesn’t go their way. Remember that resilience is the end goal. In order to learn how to pick themselves up when things get hard (which is one of the main things you need to be able to do as an adult), sometimes they have to get knocked down. Your role is be there for them and show them your unconditional love. Even if that means sitting quietly with them while they hurt and not rushing in to make it all better.
3. Let them make their own choices and be responsible for themselves. Don’t check their homework. Worrying about what they eat when, total waste of time. As is fretting over what they wear. Maybe their choices aren’t your choices, but who cares? What you should care about is what your gut is telling you. You have to learn to tune out the parental chatter swarming around you like an angry swarm of wasps (who’s doing what when with who for how long) and decide what is important for your child and your family. By letting them choose the small things, you’re freeing up space to focus on the big things, that really matter.
4. There’s a fine line between advocating and being pushy and enabling. It will probably take you many, many tries to figure out where the line is. I’ve noticed that in an effort to give our children everything, they’ve come to expect everything. Interesting how that works. Teaching them that they are not entitled to anything, you don’t get something (toy, role in play, dessert, time in the game) just because you want it, and that this whole world and every moment we are in it is a gift, that’s a lesson that can only come from you.
5. There’s more than one way. (See #3) Here I want to talk about how to share parental duties with other people. I am extremely guilty of trying to coop all parenting in our house to my way and my style. The problem with that is that my sons also have a father that is a smart, capable, parent. Two tuned-in parents! My children have no idea how freakin’ lucky they are. Sometimes I forget too. But in order to take advantage of having two parents you have to let the other parent have their own style, their own way of doing things. I know – crazy. But trust me, sometimes your co-parent brings different things to the table – even it’s not efficiency. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself.)
6. Put yourself first. And then your spouse/partner. Healthy parents = healthy kids. Sacrifice only breeds resentment. Marriage lasts longer than childhood–sometimes three times as long! Live your own life so that your children can follow your lead and have their own. If you find yourself unable to separate your life from theirs, remember that your issues aren’t their issues. You will probably try to re-parent yourself through them, that’s okay and totally normal, as long as you’re aware. But everyone will be better off if you get your own shit together.
7. Help your children see their own value and worth without boxing them in. Labels no matter how innocent they may seem can be dangerous, spirit squelchers. Give them the grace to have their own experiences without your criticism, judgment, or even input. The challenge is to do this while helping them understand who they are, their purpose in this world, and how to live a life that is true to them. Of course, if you are not doing this (See #6), it will be hard to show them how.
8. Apologize when you make a mistake. This has been incredibly hard for me to learn. We are not perfect, no where even close. When you screw up, say you’re sorry. Admit to our kids when you are wrong. Talk about the times you could have done better. As parents, we are our own worse critics. Maybe because we see our children as a reflection of ourselves or an extension of ourselves instead of as their own individual souls making their way in this world. This is a great example of a behavior that has to be modeled. If you’re not doing it, how can you expect your children to?
9. Listen. Not to the experts. Not to other parents. Listen to your child when they speak. You don’t have to agree with them or praise them or give them advice. By listening, you give them a voice. You teach them that what they say has value and is worn listening to. Ask, listen, repeat. Sometimes problems can be solved just by saying them out loud, by releasing them. Ask, listen, repeat.
10. When all else fails, revert to the Golden Rule. I’ve found myself in a zillion situations over the past ten years where I have had no idea what to do. I would be in a parenting dilemma and have no idea how to move past it. And finally, I had the realization that sometimes all you can do is treat other people the way that you want to be treated. At the end of the day, kindness, love, and acceptance, all the things we want the most – they win.
#tenyearsaparent is a blog series about what I’ve learned in my first ten years as a parent. Whether you’re a parent nodding in agreement or shaking your head with disgust or a non-parent using these posts as birth control (the surgeon general wants me to tell you that reading blog posts about parenting is not an effective form of birth control), I’ll be spilling the beans on what parenting is really all about.
When Kaly doesn’t have her nose in a book, she wrangles and referees two elementary age boys and blogs about her humorous efforts to lead a mindful, connected life. She’s the author of Good Move: Strategy and Advice for Your Family’s Relocation a book about the craziness of moving with kids. Her writing has been featured on sites such as Mamalode, The Mid, In The Powder Room, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Scary Mommy to name a few. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.
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