me too

Recently I’ve been putting myself out there more, pushing the edges of my comfort zone. And I want to come clean in case there was any doubt or I’ve led you to believe otherwise:

I am terrified.

I’ve always been terrified.

I took an online class two years ago with life coach, Tiffany Han. The class was designed to help you define your values, vision and purpose.

Before I took this class, I had lost my voice. It was bad. Like really bad.

If there was an award for Most Self-Conscious Person in the Universe, I would have been in the final four except I would have been too scared to enter.

I couldn’t post a status update or comment on other peoples post on Facebook. I couldn’t comment on blogs. This is not hyperbole.

As part of the class, we had discussions in an online forum and I would break into a sweat just thinking about posting my thoughts, my ideas, my experiences. And this was a safe, closed place that only people taking the class could access. It didn’t matter.

After I hit publish I would pace and pace, compulsively checking to see if anyone had read what I put out there.

I was so jammed up. It was a regular occurrence for me to write things and delete them without ever posting. Censoring myself on a daily, hourly basis.

What was I afraid of?

People, you know, those people out there in the world, thinking things about me like…

That’s stupid.

Why is she talking?

What is she talking about?

That’s not remotely funny.

Who is that and why do I care?

Who does she think she is?

What is she doing here?

These hypothetical reactions kept me from sharing any part of myself that might raise an eyebrow.

And at the end of the class after much digging, soul searching and reflection, I came to the conclusion that I was a writer.

A writer? Could I have picked something a little less difficult for someone terrified of sharing? A little less vocal?

What’s the saying? We resist the obvious path?

It was only with practice and baby, baby steps that I began to discover my voice.

I was more surprised than anyone that people were marginally interested in what I had to say.

Recently, I had the great honor of seeing Anne Lamott, one of my favorite writers, speak and read from her latest book, Small Victories.

She summed it up:

“When you start telling the truth, people start to say Me too.”

The fear is still very real. The truth is still very hard.

But the Me toos keep me going.

Maybe you’re a Me too when it comes to fear. Or maybe not.

But I wanted to tell the truth about my fear, just in case.