all we have to give

I am very honored to have another piece up on Mamalode today.

Their theme this month is Men and from the minute it was announced, I knew what I would write.

I didn’t expect that they would feature me again. I was convinced that last month when they published my piece it was a fluke.

But I wrote the piece anyway, because I needed to. And after it was submitted, I though more than once about pulling it.

Today, now that it is up and out in the world, I am feeling a little bit raw. A little bit exposed. Like my heart is on the outside of my body.

Because it’s very personal. But also because it’s not the whole story. It’s a very small piece of a much bigger story.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating when it comes to my writing and where I want it to go from here. While before, it felt like it was enough to write something, anything, and post a few times a week, I know in my heart I haven’t fully committed. And until I commit fully, I’ll never reach the goals that I have for myself and fulfill my dreams of being a writer.

That is so hard to write because worrying about one’s dreams seems like such a novelty, a nice to have, so corny and so unattainable.

But the more I learn about this one precious life, the more I accept that if I can tune into the voice inside me, I can create the life I am meant to have.

And in some ways, I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been skimming the surface. Writing in a style and about topics that are popular.

I’ve been hanging out on the surface, being self-deprecating just enough, playing nice but not really digging into it.

Instead of being down in the messy, grimy, guts of it, I’ve been a little more measured, a little more calculated. Holding back from sharing too much and too intimately because really, who wants to hear my brand of crazy every day?

When I recently I started submitting my writing to other blogs and web sites, I discovered some success in securing spots. Out of the thirteen submissions I’ve made over the past month, only four have been rejected.

On paper, that looks like success. But when I take a step back I’m left wondering, am I really doing the work that is true to me?

It’s almost too easy to camouflage myself to fit into someone else’s environment. And while part of the process is trying on different hats and styles, I worry that I’m just a little too good at giving people (editors in particular) what they want.

And so I go back to Brene. Vulnerability forms true connection.

If I’m really going to connect with people, I have to be true to myself and my story. Even when that is terrifying. Even when it feels like no one will care or get it or relate.

I have to continue to do the work of unearthing the value that I bring to the table. I have to share fully and deeply. I have to have faith that there are people out there who will connect to what I have to say.

And today, that’s leaving me feeling a little bit cracked open.

So without further ado, or hesitation, I’m sharing this piece of me: All We Have to Give.