everyone will get what they need

It’s getting old. Really old.

Have you ever noticed how our culture tends to typecast modern parents into roles that don’t reflect real life?

Moms are portrayed as pulling their hair out trying to keep everything together while dads wander around with an aw-shucks look on their face like they don’t know the first thing about their own children or how to function.

It’s so weird to me because this doesn’t reflect the world of families that I see around me. Most of the families that I know are hitting it out of the park. The moms are smart and capable. The dads are present and loving. The kids are thriving.

But we want things to be hard. And the messages are on repeat, so we clutch to the idea that…

If you’re not exhausted by your children, you’re not a good parent.

If you’re not sacrificing every last ounce of sanity for your kids, you’re somehow selling them short.

If you’re not frazzled, harried and overwhelmed, you must not be trying hard enough.

What would happen if we gave up the identity of tired, worn-out moms that can’t deal? If we let go of the idea that dads are incompetent and incapable?

What if we embraced the mantra – everyone will get what they need?

Notice I said need, not want. This is always coming up in my household where the idea of fairness is in constant debate. He got ____. It’s not fair.

My reply – everyone will get what they need.

And so lately, I’ve been trying to take this a little bit farther. I’ve been trying to separate myself from the idea that families have to be stretched thin. I’ve decided to embrace the idea that there are more than enough resources to meet all of our needs. There’s actually an abundance, and my job is to allocate those resources accordingly.

When my kids were younger and life felt unmanageable on a minute to minute basis, my mom told me what I like to call The Pitcher Story. It was always a good reminder that you can give and give and pour and pour but eventually you have to stop and fill up.

Try thinking of yourself as a pitcher or any vessel filled to the brim with cool, refreshing, desirable water. Everyone around you is begging for water clutching at their throats, pulling you toward them, demanding that they get what’s in your pitcher.

But it’s your water. You get to choose. You get to decide who really needs it and who deserves what you have to share. You can give out little sips here and there or pour yourself into one thing. But as you pour water out, you have to be aware that there is only so much water in your pitcher. Eventually it will be empty.

When the pitcher is empty, you have to step away and go to the well and fill it up. Yes, you can go to the well and get more water. But that takes time. You can’t function, you can’t distribute your water, you can’t meet everyone’s needs with an empty pitcher.

I could go on and on with this metaphor – everyone’s pitcher is different, don’t compare or judge size and shape of pitchers, but I think you get the point.

You have to know two things – where and when to share your water and how to fill up your own pitcher. And you have to know how to allocate your resources to the places that need them. Not just the ones that want them.

When I am able to do that, there isn’t any room for a harried, overwhelmed parent. There’s only me sharing what water I have and stepping away when I need to get more.

Sounds easy right?

A place to start:

Stop buying into the idea that you can’t deal. Because you can. Let go of the idea that you aren’t doing enough. Because you are.

Learn how to manage your pitcher and reject this idea that you are overwhelmed and frazzled or incapable and out of it.

And everyone, including you, will get what they need.