snap out of it

The entire contents of my closet is on the floor.  I love the fall. It’s my favorite season, but this wardrobe transition is sucking. The things I loved last year have no appeal to me now. When I close my eyes and picture what I want to wear, I see nothing.  It’s blank. I’ve lost my style.  Poof. It’s gone. I don’t know what I like. What I want.  What I would buy if I had the money and time to really go shopping. And I’m the kind of girl that for better or worse, it matters to me. Personal style is kind of my thing.  And now I’ve gone and lost that too and I’m sitting with a pile of clothing options around me and none of them go together and most don’t fit me quite right and it’s enough to make me out on yoga pants and go back to bed.

The sugar and gluten binge that sent my skin and belly into full on revolt isn’t helping.  The cold/allergies creating a fog around my head isn’t helping. And then I really start going down the rabbit hole. My hair is desperate for a cut and color.  I’ve trimmed my own bangs so many times I look perpetually crooked. Might as well keep going…I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.  My blog has no purpose or future.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to start.  And I certainly don’t have anything to wear. So I think I’ll be crawling back into my bed where the sheets are due for a wash because even though I don’t have a job or a career, I still can’t manage to keep my house in order. Cue the violins right?

I could crawl back into bed. The kids are at school. No one would know. But is that what I really need? Instead I take five minutes to just sit and really think about how I’m feeling. My unwashed sheets will still be there when I’m done if I decide that going back to bed is a viable strategy. So I put myself into a time out before this tantrum got out of control. If it works for toddlers? Well, it never really worked with my kids. But in my adult version, I don’t sulk and stomp around. I refrain from throwing any items of clothing (this gets me bonus points with the tantrum gods). I get a really big glass of water. I try to be still. Time to snap out of it.

We’ve all had these moments.  Our perspective gets skewed. We forget about our blessings. We feel sorry for ourselves. And it’s okay to go there. But you have to know how to get back. You have to know how to get over yourself. I’m not going to tell you that I sat there for five minutes and thought, I should be grateful for what I have. Even though I should and I am. Most of the five minutes was, if only… and I just want… and why can’t I?!?!?!

And then the five minutes was over. I had calmed down but there was still my closet issue. And I had no solution. Did you think I would solve everything in five minutes? Ha! That’s not how this story ends. So I left the room.  I went and put on some mascara. Just the night before I was chatting with some ladies about the magic of mascara.  And it did make me feel better. A little.

It seems not knowing where to start is my biggest hurdle. But after the mascara, I slowly started to do little things. Just one at a time. (Eating ice cream out of the container in front of an open freezer may or may not have been one of those things.) Tiny things that eventually added up to salvaging my day. Like writing this post for example.  The clothes are still all over the floor.  But I’m over it. And over myself.