it’s enough

I’ve been waiting for this week.  I’ve been living by the refrain…when the kids go back to school. But this week is kind of a false start – we had Monday off for Labor Day and then Thursday and Friday off for Rosh Hashanah.  That’s only two days of school to work with. Not enough time to get into a groove on anything. So I decided that I would give myself the gift of two days.  After a long weekend of having guests and getting ready for those guests (we had a great visit with my brothers and their significant others) and after a longer summer of moving, I would relish in some me time. I gave myself two days of guilt-free laziness.

But being lazy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Before you start judging me for being a big whiner and how you would kill for two days to do absolutely nothing, I’m not saying that I’m not incredibly grateful, I’m just saying I had a hard time letting go of the guilt. Usually everyone is walking around talking about how crazy busy they are. Crazy busy is like the badge of honor for the engaged, successful adult.  If you’re not crazy busy then you and your kids must be crazy losers.

So yes, in this crazy busy world, I feel guilty admitting that I managed to fit in five hours of bad tv into one school day. And even though I had given myself these two days, I still had guilt.  I’ve waited all summer for this time and I pissed it away on the Style network. How will I ever accomplish anything? I am useless. I don’t want to feel useless.  I want to feel recharged and relaxed and bursting with energy. I want to be an engaged successful adult too. (Foot stomp!)

I was feeling crabby when I crawled into bed after my first day of nothing. I didn’t like feeling unaccomplished.  Kevin reminded me that I got two kids off to school on time, with smiles and with labeled supplies and packed lunches (plus they were on the news!). I posted on my blog. I put mums on the front steps. And I made some delicious homemade meatballs. And I managed to watch all that tv. That isn’t nothing.  That is something.

And I realized, yeah it is something. And it’s enough. I need to ease up on myself.  I need to rest. And be quiet and alone. With my bad tv. Those things are important. They’re also accomplishments. They’re just harder to quantify on the crazy busy scale. So on the second day, I stuck to my plan of taking some time to just be.

To help me deal with the overwhelming to do list that is really the source of all my guilt, I put twelve sheets of paper out on the dining room table and labeled each with a heading  — Blog, Family, Friends, House, Closet, Job, Health, Money, Grooming, Kids, Fun, Travel. It might sound crazy but nothing brings me more joy than a really good list. I left them out on the table all day and when I thought of something I wanted or needed to do, I put it on a list. I didn’t do anything but add to my lists. And then I took an epic-ly long shower and painted my toenails.  I made some granola. And thought about whether I should grow out my bangs or trim them (Grooming). And now I have these great lists that I will use next week when I’m all rested up and ready to hit the ground running. And you know what? It’s enough. I can be crazy busy next week.