One of the reasons that I wanted to move immediately is because I’m not very patient. And I’m not very good at being idle. I like to have a project. Something with lists where I can methodically check off the things that I accomplish. Preferably something that requires a color-coded spreadsheet. March was a blur of getting the house ready to go on the market. April was all about finding a new place to live and negotiating the sale of our house (just signed P&S on Saturday!). June will be crazy with packing up and moving. July will be unpacking and adjusting to a new place and having the kids all day, every day.
And May, well May is this little cushion that has been thrown in. And whether I like to admit it or not, a project-less month is not something that is easy for me to embrace. It’s so ingrained in me (and in our culture) that being busy means moving forward and making progress. While being still is being well, for lack of a better word, stuck.
I know, I know, am I really having unease about impending downtime? We think and we say we want more time. We wish for more hours in the day….but for what? To get more done? To add another project? Or to really enjoy it? And what does enjoyment look like in a post-kids world when your husband lives 5.5 days a week in a different city?
I’m challenged to let go of my to-do list mentality and remind myself that I am not measured by what does and what does not get done on any list. One thing I’ve noticed is that a woman’s street cred often come from her ability to manage her endless to-do list. When’s the last time you didn’t here a woman say,”I’m just so crazy busy.” It’s almost like “crazy busy” is is a giant gold star we carry around until we teeter over the edge into “impossible to live with bitch.” I’ve been there, and it ain’t pretty.
I have to remind myself that May is not just a waiting room for the next thing, but the time to enjoy my time in this house that I love. A time to spend with friends. A time to take care of myself in a way that usually gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list. And maybe even have some fun. And all while not feeling a shred of guilt.
It seems we’re always wishing a way our time –
I can’t wait until…
Things will be better when…
If I can get through this, then…
Once I _____, then I can ________ …
I’m finding that it takes discipline and practice to be in the now without mentally moving on to the next step. It’s a little scary to let go of the harried busyness that is such an entrenched component of modern life. What’s left when we strip away all the tasks and chores and projects and obligations? I guess I’m about to find out. So this will be my project for May. To not have a project. It’s taking all of my will power to not go make a to-do list.
Please tell me I’m not the only one. Do you wrestle with your inner task-master? Why is it easier to be busy than to be still?
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