The Real Reason I Stay At Home #10yearsaparent

I could tell you that this was the plan all along. That I always knew that this is how we would raise our family.

But that isn’t how it happened. A series of choices led our family to this place, but underneath the practicalities and the logistics there was a feeling. A feeling of insecurity in my own childhood that I wanted to keep my own children from having.

I’ve built my life around my kids’ schedules.

I put my sons on the bus in the morning and work from home while they are at school. I’m not a great housekeeper. I don’t bake or volunteer at my kids’ school. My time at home gives me the space to take care of myself and the things that I need to get done.

But when they get off the bus, I am there.

If they have an activity in the afternoon or a practice, I drop them off and stay until they are settled. I arrive five to ten minutes before pick-up time so they never have to have that moment of doubt that I am not going to make it.

I know that feeling all too well. The pit that grows in your stomach while you’re left wondering if your parents are late or if this time you’ve actually been forgotten.

I’ve built my days like this for a reason. Not because it’s the most practical or cost-effective solution. And not because I am trying to win Parent of the Year. And not because I’m judging moms who work vs. stay-at-home. And not because I think my kids will be better off because of my presence.

But because I want to be there for them. I need to be there for them.

There’s a lot of reminiscing lately about growing up in the 70s and 80s and how grand it was to be untethered. Long afternoons when we were left to our own devices, and the creativity and self-sufficiency that it fostered. We had space to be, without our parents watching our every move.

That’s not how I remember it.

My mom always worked full-time – for awhile when she was a single parent and I her only child and later after she was remarried and had two more children. Even though she fought to have flex-time brought to her office, it still wasn’t easy to walk out of work in the middle of the afternoon.

I spent a lot of time waiting for her. I spent a lot of time on benches, my eyes on the driveway or the pick-up line, waiting for a glimpse of our family’s Toyota van.

For me, it wasn’t the school parties or performances my mom wasn’t able to make that stuck with me the most. It was the day in and day out anxiety of having to figure things out on my own.

To make up for all of those lonely, panicky afternoons, I built my schedule around my kids.

I am re-parenting myself through my decision to be there for them. I am giving them what I always wanted.

This is what we do as parents. We take our own childhood and reframe it, repeating the things that worked and trying to get a re-do on the things that didn’t.

Yes, I had freedom. But I didn’t choose it. And I certainly didn’t want it.

As a child, I learned to push down the loneliness, to do things on my own, and to be responsible for myself. As an adult, my independence keeps me from knowing how to lean on people. I have a hard time asking for help. I struggle with being vulnerable.

Instead of being on their own, I want my kids to be I able to say to me, “I need you.”

And I want to be able to say, “I’m here.”

Some days this drives me crazy. I feel like the maid, chauffeur, personal chef, social secretary all wrapped into one. I feel like there is so much work with so little reward. That my kids have no idea how much they are getting or how much I never had.

But it’s a choice that I have made. A choice that has nothing to do with money, career, or practicality, and has everything to do with a little girl waiting on a bench for her mom.

#tenyearsaparent is a blog series about what I’ve learned in my first ten years as a parent. Whether you’re a parent nodding in agreement or shaking your head with disgust or a non-parent using these posts as birth control (the surgeon general wants me to tell you that reading blog posts about parenting is not an effective form of birth control), I’ll be spilling the beans on what parenting is really all about.

When Kaly doesn’t have her nose in a book, she wrangles and referees two elementary age boys and blogs about her humorous efforts to lead a mindful, connected life. She’s the author of Good Move: Strategy and Advice for Your Family’s Relocation a book about the craziness of moving with kids. Her writing has been featured on sites such as Mamalode, The Mid, In The Powder Room, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Scary Mommy to name a few. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.