A few weeks ago, I mentioned an interview with author Susan Cain and her book Quiet – The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. After I saw the interview, I ordered the book immediately. But instead of book bingeing like I often do, I read this book slooowly. Enjoying every little morsel.
There are some books that inspire you. Some books that change your point of view. This was a book that validated my whole existence. Pretty big claim right? Well, if you consider yourself an introvert or have introverted tendencies, having the research laid out for you so precisely and clearly that introverts are not bad, in fact, they’re necessary and often more successful than their extrovert counterparts is a huge, huge burden lifted.
You see, I’ve always known I was an introvert but I never fully grasped the context which Susan’s book gave me. I wasn’t able to determine if I was this way by nature or by habit. Quiet helped me understand the value of my introverted tendencies.
This is what being an introvert looks like for me – I prefer one on one socializing to large groups. I work best when given the opportunity to walk away and think on it. Small talk drives me crazy. I enjoy solitude. I’m a good listener. I think before I speak. I dislike and often avoid conflict. I let calls go to voicemail, and I prefer free time to having a lot of things scheduled. I need down time. I’m highly sensitive to outside stimulation – smells, noise, sad songs, violent movies. I’m hyper-alert to my environment. I have a very rich internal life (read: I talk to myself a lot).
So if you are an introvert or love an introvert, here are three things you should know:
1) We’re living in an extroverted world. Quiet lays out how we came to be a society that values extroverts. Bottom line is that since the beginning of the 20th century and the industrialization of society, we’ve come to rely more on personality than character. Being shy came to be considered a road block to social success. Even our schools and workplaces have moved toward group work as the standard way to meet goals. Yet creativity and leadership and innovation often come from less gregarious and more solitary figures. And while the extrovert ideal dominates, a third to a half of people are introverts. If you want all the gory details, you can read the book but for me, this was a huge discovery. I’ve been trying to swim upstream holding myself to the extrovert ideal. Understanding the evolution of the trend helped me to realize that I could stop fighting so much and have a certain level of acceptance. There is value in being an introvert.
2) Quality over quantity. If you’re like me, when you hear the words networking your pulse starts to race. One of my biggest takeaways from this book was Susan’s practical advice on how to deal with social situations that require things like small talk and meeting a lot of people – two of my least favorite things. Even though I’ve learned to gear myself up for these kind of events whether it’s work related or social, my first instinct is still to decline an invitation. Susan’s advice is to focus on making one quality connection. And then leave. If I try to work the room like an extrovert, I will not only have a horrible time, I will be riddled with anxiety. For me, making one authentic connection is a more valuable endeavor. And then I can go without guilt knowing that I did what I came to do.
3) It’s not personal. To know an introvert is to know their need for space, solitude and what Susan calls restorative niches. Even though I know this about myself, sometimes it’s easy to take someone else’s retreat as I’m not interested. But trust me when I tell you, it’s not personal. It’s just a different way of processing the world and everything thrown at us. Sometimes I find myself pushing the extrovert ideal onto my children. Say hi. Be outgoing. Be social. Get in the game. Don’t be so sensitive. But their indifference is not personal. Or some major flaw. They just need the space to be who they are going to be in this world.
If you consider yourself an introvert, have partnered with an introvert or have kids who show introverted tendencies, I highly recommend this book for having a better understanding of what makes us tick. I just knew I wasn’t a total freak of nature. I just knew it all along.
Years ago I took a Myers Briggs test and was proclaimed an introvert. One of the “worst” kinds! INTJ
Can’t wait to read this book.
Did you take it at Circles? That’s where I first took it. We are very close – I’m an INTP. INTJ’s are very rare from what I understand – so maybe you are not the worst, just so unique that you are misunderstood by the masses?
As a lone introvert born into a family of extraverts who then married an extravert also from a family full of extraverts I spend much of my life feeling misunderstood (and also exhausted). The husband has regularly struggled to understand my ways and so these conversations between us come up in cycles, one of which we are right in the middle of now–so very timely! I really must read this book, and I think he should too, especially since we also happen to have an introverted child (finally one of my own!) who has the potential to head down that same misunderstood path. Thanks, Kaly!
She does address couples although not as thoroughly as I would have liked – apparently it’s very common for an extroverted male to marry an introverted female – interesting huh? And I did find the book really helpful when thinking about my introverted child. I think for you this would definitely be worth reading.