Recently, I spent a week alone. My husband and two sons went away for the week, and I stayed behind.
Alone.
For six nights and seven days, I was responsible only for myself.
In fact, it might be the longest time I’ve spent alone in my adult life. In college I lived in a dorm. Afterwards, I always had roommates. Next, I moved in with my then fiancé and within a few years we were married. We quickly added two sons, and it’s been the four of us for almost 10 years.
I might snag a day alone, or even the rare overnight. But a whole week? I was unprepared and ill equipped for this sort of independence.
Leading up to this stretch when I knew that I would be flying solo, I thought a lot about how I should use my time. During the days, I would be working but what about the other 16 hours in each day?
These extra hours were a precious gift. I didn’t want to squander them. It’s like getting three wishes and knowing you’re probably going to waste them.
Should I take on a project? Paint a room? Plan elaborate excursions into the city? Go out and get wasted just because I can? Should I invite people over? Or take a road trip of my own? There were so many options.
I started to ask around.
“Sit on the couch and read,” said one friend. Little did she know, I already do that every day.
“Go out. Every night.” said another. But coming home drunk to an empty house always seems a little sad to me.
“Have a party,” someone suggested. Too much prep. Too much clean up. Parties drain me. And I wanted restoration, not depletion.
The more I thought about it, the more the pressure of having this time started to build.
And when the day came for my family to leave, I didn’t want them to go. I feared loneliness. I dreaded solitary confinement. Please don’t put me in the SHU!
Did I even remember how to be by myself? Had I ever even learned?
I started to panic. “Don’t go!” I begged. Please don’t leave me here with myself.
And that was the whole, big, scary thing. I wasn’t sure what myself wanted anymore.
The biggest challenge I found out was learning to ask the question, “What do you want?”
Not, what should I do? Or, what do people expect?
But, what do I want?
In my every day, real life, it’s not a question that I ask myself free of any one else’s needs and expectations.
I started small. And simple. I decided that I would do exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. The freedom of not being tied to anyone else’s needs, desires, preferences, and schedules, that in of itself was a revelation.
After one day of eating, sleeping, watching, and doing exactly what I wanted to when I wanted to do it, I started to get the hang of listening to myself.
I could stay up late reading or watching tv because in the morning, it only took me 20 minutes to get up and out the door. I was still at my desk early.
I didn’t have to worry about schedules, or how long something would take. I sat alone in restaurants and in movies simply enjoying being out in the world. I got frozen yogurt for dinner, because that’s what I felt like eating.
I had a few small social things lined up, but overall, I spent my time alone.
No one watching. No one weighing in. No one asking for my attention.
And in these solitary hours, I started to enjoy my own company and cherish my choices. I started to feel a subtle restoration of something that over the years had slipped away.
As a parent, being alone is a luxury we crave, but once we get that time, can we really tune out the rest of the world and listen to ourselves?
I think we can. And I think we should.
Knowing who you are when no one else is around…that tells you everything you need to know.
When Kaly doesn’t have her nose in a book, she wrangles and referees two elementary age boys and blogs about her humorous efforts to lead a mindful, connected life. She’s the author of Good Move: Strategy and Advice for Your Family’s Relocation, a book about the craziness of moving with kids. Her writing has been featured on sites such as Mamalode, The Mid, In The Powder Room, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Scary Mommy to name a few. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.
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