If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, parenting might indeed be driving me insane. I make these mistakes over and over again, and the results are always, well, the same.
1. Believing I’m capable of multi-tasking.
Yesterday I was making dinner while sorting through piles of untouched mail, answering two children’s repeated requests for help with homework, and formulating witty responses to a very large group text with high school friends.
You don’t need a crystal ball to see how this turned out. By the time my youngest asked me for the fifth time if the answer was 25, I wanted to scream, “I’m not going to tell you the freakin’ answer to YOUR homework. Figure it out! And why does Athleta send me a catalog every two days? I am not fucking Sporty Spice!!!!”
I simply can’t do it all. At least not all at the same time.
2. Seeing how far things will go.
As a mother of two boys close in age, we have a lot of physical contact in our house. They can not be within three feet of each other without touching in some way, shape, or form. I don’t know if it’s the same with girls. I like to believe they are more civilized.
I read somewhere about seven years ago when I was impressionable and inexperienced, that you should let your kids sort out their issues on their own. That is complete bull shit. If you let two boys “sort it out”, they will go at it until at least one, but probably both are wailing, bleeding, and/or writhing on the floor. When I decide to see how far things will go, I end up dealing with a brother-induced injury.
In case you didn’t know, brother-induced injuries hurt worse than other types of injuries so they require an escalated amount of wailing and crying that will pierce any facade of compassion that you might have left.
3. Creating chores out of rage.
Recently after a smart-ass remark was made about my ability to prepare breakfast in a timely manner, I decided that the appropriate response would be to never make breakfast for those spoiled, ungrateful little rats again. From here on out they can make their own goddamn breakfast.
Supervising them making breakfast is 1000% more painful than just making their damn breakfast for them.
4. Taking away things that make my life easier.
As a parent, I have few things I can use as leverage. When what I am saying is not connecting through space and time to their ears and making its way into their brains, I only have so many tools in my arsenal.
I try to get their attention with my Mom-First-Level-Serious-Voice which is slightly louder and more stern than my regular voice. Then I bump it up to my Mom-Second-Level-Serious-Voice which is really just yelling.
But if those don’t work I bust out the threats. And before you know it I’ve taken away screens for an unrealistic time span. I start backpedalling immediately, telling them they can “earn it back” if they can turn their behavior around pronto. Good save, Mom.
5. Calling my kids’ stuff crap.
Even if it really is crap, or actually garbage, and it’s covering every surface, you shouldn’t call it that. Seriously, sometimes they collect trash. They pull things out of the garbage can that are meant to be thrown away and squirrel them away.
We cleaned out my kids’ rooms and the amount of random stuff we found in there was, well, crap. Their extraneous crap filled the whole hallway. But at some point they valued it for some reason. I shouldn’t refer to it as crap. It’s not nice. It makes them cry.
#tenyearsaparent is a weekly blog series about what I’ve learned in my first ten years as a parent. Whether you’re a parent nodding in agreement or shaking your head with disgust or a non-parent using these posts as birth control (the surgeon general wants me to tell you that reading blog posts about parenting is not an effective form of birth control), I’ll be spilling the beans on what parenting is really all about.
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this is hilarious. Every single point was totally spot on for me. And girls are no more civilized. They are probably less physical but my girls at least inflict psychological pain on each other, of the “you’re not going to be my sister any more if you ______” variety. Which causes equal amounts of crying, whining, and writhing on the floor. Just can’t win!
It’s interesting to know that psychological warfare inflicts as much pain as the physical. Of course, three minutes latter you can find them cuddling on the couch and I have to stop myself from saying, “I thought you hated each other!!!”
NEVER take away screen time. 😀
I know!!! Worst move ever.
Ha!! YES to all of them! I can’t choose a favorite. 1? No, 4! Maybe 3….
Thanks for reading and commenting Laura – as far as favorite, I think #3 will stick with me the longest because every day at breakfast I get to stare my mistake in the face.
YES! I am guilty of ALL of these. Thanks for giving me a window into a little self-reflection. I’ll probably stop doing them for, like, a day…but that’s better than nothing!
I just fell down the crap hole yesterday – I will seriously NEVER learn!
Rage chores are ALWAYS the worst. When we will ever learn? Besides never, I mean.
Totally the worst. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I’m bad about #5 too. And I have learned the hard way that their little things are super important to them. I have a box in each of their closets for their “Crap” but man, that stuff multiplies!
We have a small house with little storage so we have to be diligent about weeding stuff out. But I swear that they sneak stuff out of the garbage. I might have to install surveillance cameras but I am going to prove it.
So your saying it doesn’t get easier after 10 years? Arghhh!
Not easier – just…different. They sleep but they don’t nap. They can communicate but they can talk back. They are self-sufficient in many, many ways but need more emotional support than ever. It switches from being a physical game of survival to a mental one. But they barf in the toilet (most of the time), so that’s a major bonus.
#4 and #5, I felt really bad about calling his toys crap but if the shoe fits…
I know, right? So much crap. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Truth!
Ahhh the taking away of screen time.
It hurts me worse than it hurts her.
Always kicking myself after that one…