Valentine’s Day Eligibility Quiz

 

It’s no secret that I’m a party pooper when it comes to holidays. I’m not a fan of birthday parties or goody bags. I just think it’s too much. We’ve gone too far. It’s probably no surprise that Valentine’s Day is on my holiday shit list.

Because I am a leader in the movement to scale back the mindless celebration of holidays by children (End the MCOHBC!), I’ve developed an eligibility quiz for my kids. If and only if they score above average (to be determined subjectively by the giver of the test) will they have demonstrated their ability to participate in this holiday that basically has nothing to do with them.

Valentine’s Day Eligibility Quiz

Gifting Portion of Quiz

1. The reason we celebrate Valentine’s Day is…

A. So Mom and Dad can complain about finding a sitter only to sit on couch and drink wine like every other night of the year.

B. Love is best expressed one day a year with paper hearts.

C. There’s a surplus of red dye leftover from Christmas.

D. There is no logical explanation, but I’m guessing candy.

2. In which scenario should you buy a stuffed animal as a Valentine’s Day gift?

A. The recipient whines, cries, stomps feet and rolls on the floor of Rite Aid.

B. The recipient is a zoologist specializing in pink bears.

C. The recipient is the child of your worst enemy.

D. You should never, ever buy a stuffed animal. You should only re-gift ones that you already own.

3. Which of the following would your mother like to receive on Valentine’s Day?

A. Whitman’s Sampler with chocolate covered cherries (gag) pre-removed

B. Minecraft valentines: You’re a gem, I dig you!

C. Scraps of paper with lopsided hearts drawn in her own lip liner

D. 20 minutes of uninterrupted quiet in a dark room and a shot of whiskey

4. Which of the following things can be made edible by dipping in chocolate:

A. Oversized, mutant, strawberries

B. Paper doilies

C. Your brother’s fingers

D. This is a trick question, I will lick chocolate off anything.

A. STOP IT

B. U FRTD

C. TEXT ME

D. STFU

7. True or False: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

8. True or False: Women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines.

9. I like Valentine’s Day because:

A. I like exchanging pieces of paper with children I see every day in school.

B. Candy

C. My heart feels so full of love, I could just burst.

D. I have a creepy obsession with saints especially the beating and torturing part.

Math/Economics Portion of Quiz

1. How far in advance do you need to order flowers? And how much money can you save by having them delivered on February 15th?

2. If you check Open Table every 15 minutes, for seven days before Valentine’s Day, what are the odds that you will secure a reservation?

3. You are in a drugstore and you only have 10 minutes and $10.00 to buy Valentine’s Day gifts – what do you buy? Show your work.

Essay Portion of Quiz

1. What would you put in a heart shaped box? (Hint: Pokemon cards, doll hair, Legos you found under the couch, and pieces of gravel are examples of unacceptable answers)

2. In 50 words or less, explain why you think dad really loves Valentine’s Day.

Congratulations! You have completed the Valentine’s Eligibility Quiz. With some luck, there will be lots of love, paper and sugar in your future.