I am a book lover. I love picture books. I love reading to my kids. Stacks of books from the library are the highlight of my week.
I never get sick of Go, Dog. Go! (Go around again!) or watching Curious George get high on ether or helping that little bird find his mother. I tear up every time Mike Mulligan retires MaryAnn to the town hall basement.
But there are a handful of books that I think should be retired from circulation. These are the books that I’ve hidden from my kids at bedtime with both fingers crossed, holding my breath, hoping, praying that I don’t have to read them. After a long day of parenting, I wouldn’t wish any of these books on my worst enemy.
1. Fox in Socks Dr. Suess was dialing it in with this one. It doesn’t have the magic of One Fish, Two Fish. It doesn’t have the insight of Green Eggs and Ham (Try it, try it, you will see…). It makes me want to scream, Enough already! There are redeemable moments, the Beetle Battle, Mr. Knox’s totally understandable disinterest. But otherwise, it’s long, tiresome, and the equivalent of a nonsensical chore that you will never, ever finish.
2. Love You Forever I always thought this was a book for moms who can’t let go of their kids (sons specifically) and get their own life. But then one of my sons became unnervingly obsessed with this book. It made me very uncomfortable. If you want to understand the depths of creepiness of this book, just try listening to grown men read it on YouTube. After that I promise you will want to make it disappear. Good luck – there are over 8 million copies of this book in the world.
3. Once Upon A Potty The only explanation for this book is that parents are freaked out by toilet training and they panic. Was it a hat? Why would you teach your kids to pee and poop in a bowl when you have a toilet? And why would you encourage them to put said bowl on their head? This book was so confusing to my kids and the only reason it was on repeat was because of this phrase: the little hole in your bottom for making poo-poo. This is apparently the most hilarious statement of all time. They would probably read it today in elementary school just to talk about poop. Trust me, they don’t need the encouragement. It took a pound of M&M’s and an iPhone to get my tots on the “potty” which in our house we simply call the toilet. This book had absolutely nothing to do with it.
4. Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? This is one of those books that seems innocuous and harmless. You can probably get ten or even twenty reads out of it before you start to hate it with every fiber of your being. One day, you will break. The sing-song repetitiveness. The simplicity of it. It will leave you wanting more. Like a freakin’ plot or dialogue or anything to break up the torturous monotony of these animals that only see each other.
5. Clifford the Big Red Dog It’s no secret that I’m not a dog person therefore not surprising that a giant, red dog that doesn’t really do anything interesting or special besides be obnoxiously large makes me want to poke my eyeballs out. I’m pretty sure that if I had to leave the city to make room for my giant red dog that was a result of too much love (I can barely type that without gagging), I’d be posting it up for adoption faster than you can say Emily Elizabeth is Excited! With titles as inane as Clifford Counts Bubbles…well, I should probably just stop there.
By all means, read to your children. There are hundreds of thousands of amazing, fabulous children’s books out there. But if you value your sanity, put down the Pinot and sneak these into the recycling while your bundle of joy is sleeping. You can thank me later.
#tenyearsaparent is a weekly blog series about what I’ve learned in my first ten years as a parent. Whether you’re a parent nodding in agreement or shaking your head with disgust or a non-parent using these posts as birth control (the surgeon general wants me to tell you that reading blog posts about parenting is not an effective form of birth control), I’ll be spilling the beans on what parenting is really all about.
I am with you on this one although I think I may have given one or more of these books as gifts along the way to one or more child!
I’m pretty sure you’re responsible for Love You Forever. I gave you a free pass. Rookie grandparent mistake.
Kaly
Great post! I am guilty of reading at least 4 of the 5 to my 3 kids. You are exactly right Love You forever is pretty creepy! You are a super writer!!
John
Thanks for reading John…I have also been tortured by these books for many, many readings. I’m just hoping to spare other parents!
Love You Forever is by far the creepiest book ever! Not just of picture books or children’s books, but of every book in the free world. It was given to my daughter as a gift and after having my girls get it out of hiding a few times, I had to donate it. I love books, but this is the only book I considered burning or throwing away.
Over 8 MILLION copies sold. That’s a lot of creepiness.
You make very convincing arguments for all. And I love that you love Go, Dog, Go. It was always one of my faves growing up, so it has that sentimental value to it for me. And as a new children’s author myself, I try really hard to stay away from things that annoy me about other books. I’m totally sharing this list with my readers to have them weigh in on their least favorite books. (Hopefully no one says mine 🙂 )
Congrats on your book! I checked it out on your site. That is so exciting. I could read Go, Dog Go! A million times. Do you like my hat? I just love that book.
Have to fess up to having all on our bookshelf except the first one. Love you Forever totally takes the cake. The whole “driving over the the house in the middle of the night with a ladder” thing is just twisted beyond all possible explanation. My kids are so screwed.
How, oh how, can you bear to read it? Is it in regular rotation? Do you use a really sinister voice? It is a horror movie in the making…
Love you forever has a completely different meaning, I have recently learned. The author and his wife were never able to have children, having a stillborn.. His wife recited I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always..to their lost son. I loved reading this to my oldest children(13 &10) then my husband and I lost 3 babies in a 2 year time span and now reading this to my 9 month old it’s chokes me up beyond belief.
I agree Lee, the personal meaning behind this story is completely heart melting and I can only imagine that if you’ve been through the experience of losing a baby it hits you in a different way. I guess that’s why this might be a book more for parents than kids. I was touched the first time I read it but after many, many readings in a short amount of time it started to drive me bonkers! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
I thought I was the only one who thought Love You Forever was creepy. Thank goodness I’m not.
It’s all fun and games until she’s cradling her adult son. Sitting on the edge of his bed, holding his hand, a gentle hug, all would have been fine. The cradling takes it too far. Creep city.
I am still loving Brown Bear Brown Bear. But then its been less than 20 times. OMG what am I gonna do! My daughter loves it already!!
Just make sure you have many other books to dilute it or retire (hide) it now and then. It really is a sweet book, just very, very repetitive. And the kiddos do love it.