the coach’s wife

I’m not sure how I got here. My husband sends a casual email offering to help out, and before I can say “Touchdown!” I am the wife of a flag football coach.

I have a lot to learn about being a coach’s wife. At children’s sporting events, I usually park myself away from the crowd and stare in the direction of the field not really paying attention. My sunglasses are my best friend hiding my lack of engagement.

No amount of Friday Night Lights, could have prepared me for the role of coach’s wife. Our Saturday morning games are a true test of mental and physical agility – for me.

Doing my best to channel Tami Taylor, I’ve been slowly getting up to speed on what is expected when your husband is the coach of your kids’ flag football team:

1. The coach’s wife should know every player, their name, their parent’s names, their sibling’s names, their grandparent’s names, their pet’s names.

2. And I should talk to them. Beyond small talk, I should compliment how each child is playing. I should have an inventory of anecdotes about a pass they caught or a run they made or a cute thing they said in the huddle.

3. While I am doing all of this chatting I should be watching every play, following exactly what is happening so that I can explain it to anyone who doesn’t know the rules of flag football or was not paying attention.

4. I have to know the rules of flag football.

5. I should know the score even though we don’t keep score.

6. I don’t have to bring the snacks but there’s an expectation that the coach’s wife organizes the bringing of snacks. (For the record, I quickly deferred that task back to the coach. He is perfectly capable of being in charge of refreshments. It is 2014 after all.)

7. I should have on hand any random thing the coach might need – scissors, masking tape, stop watch, string, Sharpie’s. I am a walking supply closet.

8. A look of loving support should always be on my face. I should not look like I am going to barf from 1. Nerves 2. Being hungover (It is Saturday morning after all.) 3. Both.

9. A coach’s wife can not express ill will towards grown men reliving their youth through a game of 7 & 8 year olds playing flag football.

10. I can not reprimand the punky kids who say mean spirited things to my kids. I can’t even blow my whistle at them. I don’t even get a whistle. My only recourse is hoping our team pummels them in the next game.

To make the most of this experience, I’m trying to re-envision my role as the coach’s wife as a personal development opportunity.

Being on the sideline is an exercise in vulnerability. If you think watching your kids play sports is hard, watching your husband coach is harder. Especially in football where the coach is calling every play front and center.

As the coach’s wife, all I can do is sit back and watch the game unfold. I want so desperately for things to go well, but there is absolutely nothing I can do but stay in the moment. My nerves are on overdrive so I gently remind my ego that this is just a game. And it’s supposed to be fun.

I’m also practicing letting go of what other people think. Do the other parents think he’s a good coach or a crappy coach? Do they wish he was more like this or more like that? I’m learning that there is no perfect way to coach. You can only do the best you can with what you have. When things click, be grateful and when they don’t, try again.

When it comes to sports, I just want my kids to play. The key word here is play.

I don’t want them to have to work yet. There will be a time, if they want to continue in sports at a competitive level, that they will have to work hard. But at ages seven and eight, I just want them to play.

I want them to play so they can exercise and be healthy and so they can experience being part of a team – something bigger than themselves. I want them to feel proud when they play well, and sad when they lose, because both will happen and both are okay.

I want them to have respect for themselves and respect for the rules of the game, and of course respect for their coach and his wife.

Sometimes we find ourselves in new situations – places we never thought we’d go, roles we never thought we’d play.  All we can do is step into it, embrace it and learn what we can.

And try not to barf.