having it all – yes, that includes career angst

I was sitting in a hotel room in Florida when they confronted me.

It wasn’t a fashion intervention or a cult deprogramming. But I did have a problem.

It was brought to my attention that I’ve been unnecessarily down on myself about my career especially in writing about it here on my blog. And it made me realize that yes, I’ve had some career angst, but it’s not because I’m not proud of what I’ve accomplished or feel bad about my choices.

In fact, I think one would be hard pressed to find a woman in the 35-45 age bracket with children that doesn’t experience some kind of angst about her career. It’s not an easy time for us momma’s right in the middle of raising a family and work and life and trying to keep our heads above water while the currents do everything they can to pull us in opposite directions.

Yes, maybe there’s a few too many self-deprecating jokes and jabs at my career and too many visits to TheGlow.com peering into the lives of women that appear to have figured it out.

I’m completely amazed by people who know exactly what they want to do.

Completely amazed and undeniably envious.

I never felt that pull. And so I’ve tried a few different things. As a result, I’ve had a hard time accepting the zig zag nature of my career path. On a good day it feels multi-disciplinary, adventurous, and accomplished. On a bad day it can feel random, scattered, and what were you thinking?

From a pressure-cooker, start-up to a stay-at-home mom with two kids under two to a non-profit run on a shoe string, I’ve held similar roles in very different worlds. I’m quite familiar with the feeling of busting my butt and being proud of my accomplishments. I know even better the feeling of survival.

I found extreme burn out in all of these places. I learned that any work I chose had to be about more than simply surviving.

I had to find a way to thrive.

So I’ve become obsessed with other people’s careers. I’m amazed by people who stay home full time with their children. I’m amazed by people who work full time and have kids. I’m amazed by people who work part time and have kids. I’m amazed by people who seem satisfied in their career and by people who seem satisfied without a career.

I’m amazed by people that have been able to sort through all of the conflicting messages about career and the role it plays in our lives – about the role it should play in our lives.

I keep trying different configurations, but not quite getting it right, and I’m still unable to let go of the idea of having it all.

My first mistake – believing that having it all is a definition frozen in time.

It’s not. It’s a living, breathing, evolving thing.

I used to think having it all was title, promotion, corporate credit card, financial independence and getting included in the big meetings.

Then I thought having it all was being able to stay home with my two boys and give them my unwavering presence and support.

Then I thought having it all was bringing to life someone else’s vision, making a real difference in the world while having the flexibility to be available for my kids.

Now I think having it all is creative freedom, working when and where I want to, believing in something and having it start with me. And a little financial independence would be more than welcome.

Because here’s the thing. I want to work. I want to contribute. I want to contribute something worthwhile to the world, and I also want to contribute financially to my family.

Way back in the day we intentionally built our life so I could stay home with our children if that’s what I wanted. There were years when this was not so easy but we made it work with extreme budgeting and setting up our lives to survive on one income. No cable, a pay-as-you-go cell phone, a modest home, inherited cars and rarely eating out were a few of the choices we made.

Even with this freedom, I still didn’t figure out the missing career piece. I’ve been looking at the buffet of choices and none of them look appealing to me. I’ve never liked buffets.

I want to go home and make something myself.

And so that’s what I decided to do. I started this blog. That led to writing. That led to writing a book. And that led to co-founding a company (more on this very, very soon I promise).

I never thought, I want to be a writer and an entrepreneur when I grow up, and who knows if it will last or work out or make me more than $1.99. But right now it feels like having it all.

So yes, I’ve had some career angst.

And I know that this new having it all will take years, yes years, of effort with a good side of failure.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again – change isn’t always, a 180-degree about face. Sometimes it’s tiny, tiny increments that realign us bit by bit.

With every recalibration, I feel a little less angsty and a little more on my way. A little closer to having it all.

What does your having it all look like? Have you been able to find satisfaction with your current career status?