I don’t talk much about parenting here because this blog is kind of a respite from that part of my life, but when I saw this photo essay, I felt like I was ready to chime in on dun, dun, dun…The Mommy Wars. Mothers going head to head and judging other mothers about parenting styles and choices that they make for their families.
But here’s the thing, all this posturing about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, c-section vs. home birth, organic vs. gmo, well, it’s not the real issue. I applaud this women’s group in their effort to diffuse the tension that mothers face, and I totally agree that just because we make different choices, doesn’t mean we aren’t doing the best by our kids.
But it seems like nobody wants to say what The Mommy Wars are really about.
So I am going to tell you the truth. I am judging you. But not on whether the chicken nuggets are from McDonald’s or Whole Foods.
I am judging you when I think your kid is acting like a self-entitled, disrespectful jerk.
I am not saying that judging is the right thing to do, but I admit it. I do it.
Here are three things about the mommy wars:
1. I don’t care about your parenting choices. I don’t care if your kid cries it out or sleeps in the family bed until he goes to college. I don’t care if you work in the home, out of the home, near the home. I don’t care if your nanny takes your kids to swim lessons or if you’ve never missed a single t-ball game. So when I say I don’t care, I mean I really don’t care.
2. I care about results. I care about the end goal – a child that is a kind, aware and generous human being. So let’s be clear. If your child’s negative behavior affects me or my family directly, then yes, I am going to judge you. And your child. You should be prepared for that. In my experience, for better or worse that is pretty much how the world works. Sure, everyone has a bad day, a tough streak, a difficult period, but you’re the parent and you are responsible for dealing with it. It’s not that I won’t have empathy for you and your child, I will. I understand that as parents we are forced to deal with many difficult situations. And you might deal with it differently than how I would deal with it. Fine. But dealing with it, that’s what you signed up for, and if you’re not holding up your end, then yes, there will be judgment on my end.
3. Your big decisions have less impact than the thousands of small choices you make every day. Parenting is 99% about how you handle the million little situations that are thrown at you every minute, day after day, month after month, year after year. It’s a numbers game. It’s about getting it wrong ten times, and getting it right once. If you’re lucky. That’s why it’s called the hardest job in the world. You can’t get caught up on these so-called big decisions – yours or anyone else’s – because they simply don’t matter. Just make sure your decisions are true to you, stop listening to other people’s opinions and be willing to admit when things aren’t working.
Mothers aren’t sitting up at night wringing their hands about disposable vs. cloth diapers. A mother can’t sleep because little Timmy has been biting every last child in his preschool class, and she doesn’t know how to deal with a situation that seems to be spiraling out of control. Let’s not trivialize the real issues families face with this mommy wars fluff. Parenting is not a series of black and white choices that equal a desired outcome. Treating it this way degrades the mothers and fathers that are parenting every minute of every day making every effort to raise individuals who contribute to this world in a positive way.
It’s time to stop pointing fingers at other people’s choices, and simply take responsibility for the behavior of ourselves and our own children.
And if you take responsibility for your kid’s obnoxious behavior, I won’t judge you.
War over.
If I could subtly pass this out to multiple parents in my classroom, I would. Every day for a month.
Too funny – not sure there’s much subtlety to be found in this one. I kind of went right for the jugular. But it’s interesting, I didn’t think about it from a teacher’s perspective but I guess the same rules apply.
Ahhhhh so true! Not many people will admit these things but I am on board with you! Please be a respectful child. It is my dream. I also feel it is one of the most difficult to teach. It is a constant constant battle.
I know at first I felt horrible about writing this post, but then I realized I can’t be the only one feeling this way. And you are so right – it is not easy at all and a constant battle. And by no means are my kids perfect either. But being willing to keep hammering it in day after day does pay off. I really do believe that.
Be a respectful child but even more importantly, be a respectful adult. I struggle with judging others in this regard (albeit quietly) and not always meeting the mark myself. It is very true. If I run into a disrespectful, obnoxious child, I look immediately to the parents and “judgment” is rendered! Not sure where I get off with doing that, but it happens. Thanks for making me think about it. Since my kids are grown, do I get a pass if they are obnoxious? Or am I always and forever responsible????
After sitting with this post for a few days, I think what I was trying to say was, judging other people by your own values is somewhat inevitable so let’s just be honest and get to the root of it instead of making up all these other reasons, for example, parenting choices. Yes, we can and should work on being less judgmental, but parents also need to take responsibility for their kids’ behavior. And if your adult kids are obnoxious, I think it is totally acceptable to pretend that you don’t know them.