the whole story

I feel like maybe I’ve been holding back a little. Posting funny anecdotes and surface level stuff that while entertaining isn’t always as real as I want to be. Even if you’ve known me for awhile, I might not have given you the whole story. I’m an introvert remember? So let’s get on the same page.

I haven’t come right out and told my story about the changes I’ve made over the past two years. I guess it feels a little hokey – finding yourself. That’s something you’re supposed to do backpacking across Europe after college. But then as I was doing some work recently, I was really thinking about why I write. And why I started this blog. And what I’m trying to do. And as the purpose is to get at something real, it wouldn’t be very real of me to keep my story all stored away on a shelf somewhere.

I will fully admit that when I start throwing around things like authentic self and self-love, it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. And very cheesy. Almost enough to make me not even share this. But maybe that’s the whole problem is that we’re not talking about these things when we should be. And maybe if it were a more accepted way to think about ourselves then maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t have to struggle against it so much.

So this is my story:

For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with the need for external validation. My sense is that this is a pretty common issue – especially among women. I’ve also battled against expectations, whether perceived or real, from my family, my peers and the world in general. So there’s no dramatic tabloid worthy story here. Just a girl turned into a woman that wanted what everyone else wanted. To be loved. To be seen as good at something. To be seen as desirable. To be seen as worthy. To be seen.

Just tell me what you want me to be world, and I’ll be it. I could have won Oscars for my performances some of them were so good. Honor roll soccer captain? I can do that. Moody artsy student? I can do that. Fun loving party girl? I can do that. Motivated and ladder climbing employee? I can do that. Mini van driving mom? I can do that. If I could just get it right. If I could just find the right role. If I could just nail the part. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost.

But because none of these roles were really me, on a daily basis my life often felt like survival. I felt like I was going through each moment hoping to survive it instead of thriving, really living. I felt like a robot programmed to accomplish certain tasks. I was going through the motions but I wasn’t connected to myself, and so some days it felt almost impossible to connect with someone else.

But I kept going. Doing the best I could. There were periods that were harder than others. Motherhood – that’s been a real doozey. So when my kids were both toddlers and I couldn’t imagine spending another day in their world (go ahead, judge if you must), I went out and got a job. Not just any job. But a job that needed me.

Instead of putting my energy into myself and addressing why I felt so off, I shelved myself and tried to save the world. Okay maybe not the whole world, but my little corner of it by helping to open and run a small non-profit organization.

And even though I was doing a pretty good job, I didn’t really believe in what I was doing. I believed in the cause and the mission of the organization but I didn’t really believe that it was my own calling. It was like playing dress up in someone else’s closet.

And that can only last for so long. Mentally I checked out, so I worked harder. I tried to do more. And eventually the stress and the lack of authenticity caught up with me. And my body gave out too.

In the spring of 2012, I got really sick. My immune system flipped me the middle finger. Too sick to even go to work, I would sit in my bathtub, the only place I found any relief, with my laptop making every effort to keep everything under control.

I was broken, literally and figuratively and spiritually, and I finally decided to listen to the voicemail message the universe had left me: you are doing everything wrong. Okay, okay. I left my job. I took a huge step back and hit the reset button.

I spent the next year trying to get reacquainted with my husband and my kids and track myself down. The last time I had seen her, before the need to please kicked in, I think I was about twelve years old. It still feels a little gimme a break – finding yourself. But I was really, really lost. And that’s my truth. It wasn’t just the stress of being a working mother that did me in, it was the accumulated stress of a lifetime of trying to be something I wasn’t.

After years of trying to morph into something I thought everyone else wanted, I was finally able to refocus on my authentic self and my true purpose. That makes it sound so easy, but like anything worth doing it took a tremendous amount of work. I’ve put in the hours. I’ve done the reading. I’ve dug deep. Really, really deep. Scary deep. I’ve slayed some demons. Made peace with others. I’ve given myself space. And time. And love. I stopped numbing myself with bad habits or at least I’ve tried. I’ve grown comfortable in my own skin, and I’m learning to appreciate my unique gifts. And share them. I trust myself a little more and worry a little less about what others may or may not be thinking of me. I’m incredibly grateful to have the space and support to make all of these things happen.

And just to be clear, it’s not like the Kaly walking around for the last 36 years was a big phony. It’s just that now I have deeper understanding of myself and an authentic connection to the world that I live in. I’m not searching for the right role anymore. I’m not looking for external validation. I’m not concerned with the expectations that weighed me down before. Because I believe that who I am is enough.

Last March, I started this blog for the sole purpose of writing and finding my voice. What I’m somewhat surprised to learn is that what I write resonates with people. Not a million people. But a few people. Enough people. This new sense of connection that I’m feeling, I want to steer myself in that direction. Sharing myself, my story and how to live a connected life that feels like your own is something that feels true to me. So I’ll keep at it.

I hope that if any of this sounds familiar to you or you feel the weight of being lost or the discomfort of losing yourself that my story will inspire you. That you will know and understand that it is possible to wander out of the woods, awake from a deep sleep and make a true connection to yourself that can significantly change your life. There’s no overnight fix. Every day is a work in progress. There’s still much work to be done. But it is possible. It is possible to be better. To feel better. To live better.

Okay. So maybe it’s not the whole story, but it’s a big chunk of the story. Any questions?