My oldest child turned eight today. I’ve been a mom for eight years, the longest I’ve held down any job. I have a few friends starting their families soon and many of my friends started a little later than us and are still dealing with diapers and lack of sleep and willful toddlers. So this post is for you. This is what I know.
My performance review would definitely have some developmental opportunities. I burst into uncontrollable giggling when my son asked where babies came from. There have been many, many days when I’ve blown the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation for television out of the water. I don’t give them fluoride. I put them to sleep on their stomachs because they slept longer. I use a tone, you know what I mean, and then they use it with each other, or even worse, right back at me.
But for all the things I’m screwing up, I have figured this out about being a parent.
They’re not yours. They don’t belong to you. They’re not yours to mold and shape and fashion. They belong only to themselves and you are their protector and their guide. You can’t control them any more than you can control the weather. But it is your job to put boundaries in place for them. Boundaries that keep them safe and make them functioning members of society and help them find their place in this world.
They won’t starve. Stop it. Stop obsessing about what they eat and how much and when. Stop it right now.
And this might be the hardest to see when you’re really in it, when you can’t get past how hard it is at this particular moment in time.
But I promise you, in a year, you won’t be able to remember what you are so jammed up about. By the time you figure it out, the phase will have passed. I can’t remember teething or weaning or potty training or sleep training although I know I must have done it. My kids have teeth and they drink from real glasses and they use the toilet and they sleep. Yes, they sleep. But I can’t remember how we got here.
And finally, do what you have to do. Everyone will have an opinion. But the only one that matters is yours.
Because you are the expert on your own child.
Happy Birthday Cameron! You are amazing. And I won’t even take any of the credit. Love, Mom
“They belong only to themselves and you are their protector and their guide.”
I love this so much. Being pregnant with my first I feel as if I’m carrying precious cargo. And as much as we’re bonding right now I know he’s not mine. I’m ready to show him what the world has to offer – and show him in return how to bring a lil’ something to the world.
XO,
Kathleen
Hi Kathleen – Thanks for stopping by. I’m sure you saw my little love fest for Braid on here. I am seriously inspired by your work. And now you’re having a baby which, get ready, will split your heart wide open. It’s the best. Enjoy the bonding. Trust your body and yourself and hold on tight! Kaly
Hi Kaly,
So thoughtful of you to write this about us “late starters”. I too am pregnant with my first child. Reading this made me feel the lightest I’ve felt since the baby weight started creeping in.
I know we’ll still have our days, nights and moments of being lost and wanting to pull our hair out. Thanks to you, I plan to print out this post and carry it with me everywhere. So, when I reach my braking point I can remind myself that before long I won’t remember this struggle, and my kid will be ok. As you said, they will grow out of their diapers, eat when they’re hungry, and learn to be them, because that’s what all kids do.
Thanks Kaly! I found this to be very encouraging and helpful! But this doesn’t mean I won’t still call you freaking out one day. So maybe you should keep a copy of this handy too:)
Happy birthday to Cameron and congratulations on eight successful years of being mom! Xoxo
-Juola
XOXXO I was thinking of you when I wrote this but of course, I’m sure you’ve heard me say it all before.
sniff, I got a little good tear in my eye reading this.
I know – I went and got all mushy about kids. Totally not my normal gig but this birthday hit me.
Thanks Kaly. I loved reading this blog. You beautifully put into words how as parents we walk that line between what we want our children to be, and what they are meant to be. Well-written.
Thank you – it takes extreme balance! Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to yoga.