one month in

It’s been one month since we’ve moved.  The boxes are either unpacked or have been categorized as “deal with when kids go back to school” and stashed in the basement. And our little house is starting to come together if I do say so myself (look for video tours on the blog soon). And as the dust settles and the trauma from the actual move fades into a distant memory, I thought I’d do a little update on how we’re actually doing.  Or should I say, how I’m actually doing because Kevin is kicking butt at his new job and has a much improved commute while my boys seem to have a posse just about wherever they go and I’m….I don’t know what I am exactly.  I’m managing?  Not managing as in getting by but managing as in taking care of all the little details so that life goes on.

Am I holding up my bargain with myself to be a little more outgoing a little less stand-offish? I think so.  I’m trying, but old habits die hard.  There is this part of me that can not stand the idea of coming off as desperate or needy or a little too eager.   I’m not sure why I’m  so terrified of weakness.  People don’t usually outright reject you, they might put you off and maybe talk about you behind your back but they usually don’t snub you to your face.  Maybe it would be better if they did, so at least I would know where I stand. “Welcome to the neighborhood.  You seem like a really nice person with a really nice family, but you’re a Pisces and you wear the same maxi skirt like every day and you don’t drink beer and our kids don’t overlap in ages and I’m crazy busy trying to hold down a full-time job and take care of my sister while she goes through a divorce and well, honestly I’m not really looking to add any names into my contacts right now. The probability of us being friends is pretty much zero.”

And then I have to check myself – I want to be around people who are engaged and open and trying even if that means that their exposing their weakness, and, well, seem a little too eager.  If I’m interested in those qualities in others, why would I diminish them in myself? I guess I am trying to protect myself from that feeling of social awkwardness that I seem to be bumping into as I blindly navigate how to make friends when everyone already has friends.  I guess it all comes down to chemistry.  There are people that you have nice conversations with and then there are people that you have real conversations with.  The question is, how many nice conversations do you have to have before you can have a real conversation?  And how many real conversations before you exchange contact info? I’m finding that you really have to diversify your investment before you see any return.

And so as I manage the day to day life of our family, I’m thinking to myself, “Okay this is great, but when does my life begin?” I’ve been dutifully playing the supporting role of wife and mother since this move and life-change was conceived. I left my job well over a year ago. I’ve been taking care of everyone else, and now it’s time to take care of me. And I’m not talking about a pedicure and brunch with the girls.  I’m talking about the big Vision, with a capital V, for my work and my life and my purpose. I’m talking about, what is there for me in all of this?

And I know that I need to be patient.  I need to enjoy what’s left of summer.  I need to just chill out and be for awhile.  I also know that uncovering the life that you want for yourself is not necessarily taking a stick of dynamite and blowing everything up.  It’s a little more nuanced than that.  It’s every choice (because no matter what stories we tell ourselves, we are always choosing) incrementally revealing your life to you.  I am beginning to see that our path, our true life and purpose, is inside of each of us.  It takes courage, vulnerability and a special kind of honesty to allow that purpose and life to manifest itself. I can feel myself inching in the right direction. And as the universe once reminded me, it’s all there waiting for you – you just have to be ready and willing to reach out and take it. And hell yeah, I am ready. And willing.