As we’re celebrating our ten-year wedding anniversary this week, I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage (or any committed long term relationship) and what makes it work. I’m in the camp that marriage is work. When Ben Affleck was giving his acceptance speech at the Oscars and thanked his wife for “working on their marriage..it is work but it’s the best kind of work,” I wanted to stand up and cheer while everyone else seemed a little bit embarrassed for him. As I see it, work isn’t bad. It’s the most rewarding thing you can do. And to be perfectly clear, I am in no way claiming to be a relationship expert. And I don’t want this post to come off as preachy. These are just three things about marriage that I’ve learned along the way that I think are worth sharing.
1. Give without expecting anything in return. – I stopped scorekeeping and expecting gold stars. This was my biggest take away’s from Gretchin Rubin’s book The Happiness Project. Once I stopped keeping tabs on who was doing what and how often and whose turn it was, it got easier. And better. I learned to give from a true place of generosity without expectation. To give without expecting praise. Without expecting anything in return. So much tension in relationships comes from the push and pull of whose turn it is – I took out the trash, I did the dishes, I put the kids to bed, I pay the bills every month. I always, always, always and you never, never, never. These are the logistics that crunch up our shoulders and make our days feel edgy and make us want to keep score, but don’t do it. When I can do what needs to be done and give of myself and my time and energy without waiting for acknowledgement in the form of praise or a barter or a tally on a sheet, everything is just better.
2. Listen to Kenny Rogers. – So when I went back and actually read the lyrics to The Gambler I realized that it’s about two drunk poker players on a train, but the line that I try to take to heart is “You got to know when to fold’em.” Being right or the winner isn’t important (remember, we’re not keeping score, see #1). I’ve spent a lot of energy and time holding my ground on principal, but in the end, I never really feel better. What is important is being able to back down, admit when I’ve made a mistake, apologize and let it go. And then laugh at myself. Seems simple. Ten years in and still don’t always “know when to walk away.” For a great tutorial in this subject I suggest Celeste & Jesse Forever. My favorite line is “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” And I have a huge girl crush on Rashida Jones and her bangs.
3. Pay attention. – In my experience, you can’t go to Whole Foods, spend $150 on ingredients for a fancy dinner, throw it in a pot on the stove, walk away for six hours and come back to find a culinary masterpiece. Wait. I forgot about Crock Pots. The point is, just because you have the perfect ingredients doesn’t mean you don’t have to pay attention. I have had zero success with putting our marriage on autopilot, and believe me I’ve had my fair share of autopilot moments. When I’m tired and the avalanche of laundry is threatening to bury our children alive and there are 28 unanswered emails in my inbox and all I want is to sit down in front of Bravo with a bowl of wine and check Facebook for the 400th time to see what everyone else is doing, there’s most likely another adult in my house that could use some attention. And I’m not talking grand gestures or elaborate scenarios. I’m talking a 5-minute non-logistics centered chat and a longer-than-usual hug to break up the end of the day blahs. When I take the time to do this (only five minutes a day!), it usually ends in a joke, which makes me laugh and then I feel more connected which makes it much easier to do #1 and #2. See how it all fits together! Learning to turn toward Kevin instead of into myself is the biggest challenge I face.
Even as I’m writing this, I’m thinking to myself, “Wow, you make it sound so easy. So much for your marriage is work spiel that you opened with…” And sure, in theory it’s all pretty simple and easy. And if it was our only job every day would be a rainbow, but throw in some work stress, some financial strain, some sick kids, some major home repairs, some chronic health issues, some challenging family dynamics, some childhood baggage and general disgruntled-ness, and it gets a little cloudy pretty quick. But I try to keep at it no matter how many times I repeat the same mistakes. I have to listen and be present and put my ego away. I have to practice. And in some areas I have not been a quick study. And I guess that is where the work lives.
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