Recently I was having a very circular argument with one of my children, trying to get him to use logic and reason instead of going into Hulk mode which includes a lot of stomping, yelling, and throwing of things.
It dawned on me. This is exactly like trying to talk down a Crate and Barrel customer about the scratches on their nonstick All-Clad cookware or trying to explain the final sale policy to a shopper at A Pea in the Pod.
I’ve worked my fair share of retail jobs, and meeting the demands of small children is very similar to handling yourself in a shopping environment:
1. Reasoning gets you nowhere. The only course of action is to say repeatedly, “I understand your frustration.”
2. If something is out of stock or unavailable you run around trying to find the next-best solution. When you offer an alternate option which you put a lot of time and thought into preparing, your “customer” casually replies, “I’ll pass. Thanks anyway.”
3. You rarely hear thank you and when you do it’s after a tantrum has been employed. If you say, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that,” the result is a fit of epic proportions. You make an exception, “Just this once.” Miraculously composure is recovered, even though two minutes ago the end of the world seemed near.
4. “Can I help you?” is how you enter every situation.
5. You’re always offering something totally unappealing in an appealing way. Would you like to save 20% today by applying for a credit card? Would you like to receive special offers in your email? Would you like to eat more vegetables? Would you like to take a nap?
6. You go to the bathroom regularly to get a break, because no one asks you for help while you’re taking care of your business.
7. You’re on your feet all day putting things where they belong. How the hell did this get here? You spend hours upon hours collecting items and putting them back in their place.
8. On your way out the door someone is always digging around in your purse, and you’re always reminding them, “There is absolutely nothing interesting in there.”
If you have retail skills, bust them out the next time the consumers in your home get unruly. You can always threaten to call security if things get out of hand.
#tenyearsaparent is a weekly blog series about what I’ve learned in my first ten years as a parent. Whether you’re a parent nodding in agreement or shaking your head with disgust or a non-parent using these posts as birth control (the surgeon general wants me to tell you that reading blog posts about parenting is not an effective form of birth control), I’ll be spilling the beans on what parenting is really all about.
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