seven bad habits that will not make you friends #10yearsaparent

I haven’t met a mom yet that isn’t on the lookout for friends. Parenting can be a lonely, solitary endeavor and sometimes you just need to connect with other parents. But sometimes, we are so bad at making a connection. We want, we crave, the connection and it just doesn’t come. I blame these seven habits.

I am guilty of slipping into each and every one of these. I’m not any better than anyone else.

But every once in awhile, just for the goodness of humanity, I try to stop, take a breath and actually listen to the words coming out of my mouth. And think about how they are affecting the other person and notice if I am living in a self-absorbed, delusional bubble. The answer is YES more times than I care to admit.

But I know that I can do better. I think we all can do better.

These are seven bad conversational habits that will not make you friends:

1 – Being the Contrarian: No matter what you say, I take the opposite opinion stopping you in your tracks leaving you completely unsure of where to go next. Immediate conversation killer. No. Where. To. Go.
Geez, it’s hot today. Reply: I don’t think so. Yesterday was hotter.
The train was finally on time today. Reply: No. It was four minutes late.
I think the party on Saturday will be fun. Reply: I don’t.

2 – Being Oblivious: We pretend we’ve never met although we see each other every single day. Our kids go to the same school and play in the same sports leagues. We see each other at the gym and the playground and in line for ice cream. Our schedules and friends overlap 88% of the time. We’ve been introduced time and time again, but when we see each other, one of us acts like we’ve never met. It’s always a game of chicken – who will break the ice first – but the game is getting old.

3 – Playing the Sad Sally: Always being the bearer of sad news that makes the recipient want to curl up in a ball and disappear is exhausting for everyone involved. If you know every tragedy within a 1000 mile radius and feel the need to share it or if every conversation is about a parent dying or a natural disaster or a house fire or a serial killer, you’re the Sad Sally. It’s like watching the worst version of the news, and by the end of the conversation every participant needs a stiff whiskey. Sure sad things happen, but there’s a time and a place to talk about them.

4 – Raining on Parades: There is always a downside and I will never fail to bring it up. I think I’m being grounded and down-to-earth, but it’s more like a large knitting needle through a shiny new balloon.
We got a new car! Reply: Oh no, can you afford it?
I’m going away with my husband for the weekend! Reply: Oh no, your kids are so sensitive, will they be okay?
I just need to vedge in front of the tv. Reply: I could never do that. I have so much that needs my attention.

5 – One Upping: If you take anything anyone says and turn into a story about how you do it better, you’re guilty of one upping no matter how casual you try to be.
I love this new hummus at Trader Joe’s. Reply: Do you make your own hummus? I have an amazing recipe and it’s so much better than store bought.
My kids are being such a pain this week. Reply: I hear ya. My husband is traveling and my eight kids have a stomach bug and I work full time.
I can’t wait to see Gone Girl. Reply: My roommate from college is Ben Affleck’s agent so I saw a prescreening at his house.
Well, okay. You win.

6 – Thinking That Your Child is The Center of the Universe: There is no conversation just a running commentary on my children: Did you see that? Did you hear that? Isn’t that just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? Kids do the darnedest things. Yes, children are so freakin’ adorable and amazing. Chances are your audience has their own kids for exactly this purpose.

7- Thinking You Are the Center of the Universe: If someone knows everything about you from when your next period is going to start to the last time you had sex (and the positions) and what you’re making for Sunday dinner, but you don’t even know their last name, take a breath. This is not a two-way street honey. Reel it in. Ask and then listen. Don’t just talk.

Now cut the crap and get out there and make some friends. You’re going to need them.

#tenyearsaparent is a weekly blog series about what I’ve learned in my first ten years as a parent. Whether you’re a parent nodding in agreement or shaking your head with disgust or a non-parent using these posts as birth control (the surgeon general wants me to tell you that reading blog posts about parenting is not an effective form of birth control), I’ll be spilling the beans on what parenting is really all about.