Remember in middle school when you had to clip an article out of the newspaper and bring it into social studies to share with your class? Way back when your family got the local newspaper every day not just because they were thinking about having a fire in the fireplace?
I’m pretending that I’m in seventh grade again (minus the braces, over styled bangs and perm) and doing my own current events report this week.
This is what I’ve found. The world is really messed up. I’m not kidding guys, it’s really, really bad out there.
How could these current events NOT be keeping me up at night?
iCloud hacking. I’ve been so busy taking nude photos of myself and really working on getting the lighting right so that I look closer to 28 than 38 and now, holy cow (no pun intended), now there are these hackers out there threatening to expose my most private moments. Where am I supposed to put all of these pictures if not in my cloud? Isn’t a safe cloud like a basic human right?
Ebola. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that all of those gross people at interstate rest stops that aren’t washing their hands are one step closer to contracting ebola. And there’s no cure for ebola because pharmaceutical companies can’t make any money while it’s contained in Africa, so we basically have to wait around for ebola to take over my suburb before anyone is going to do anything about it. Scary stuff.
iPhone 6. People’s phones are bending. Actually bending. I am NOT messing with you.
More data breaches. So these Chinese and Russians are after all of my passwords, and all I can say is if you want my identity, go for it. I would be more than happy to start completely over. It’s yours. Good luck.
Soda. It’s true. They’ve finally proven that soda is really, really bad for you. The real mystery is who is still drinking f’in soda?
True Detective casting. So far, I’m a little underwhelmed. All I’m saying is that Vince Vaughn better do some serious de-puffing before they start shooting and if Rachel McAdams is involved there better not be any of that mushy time travel crap that she seems so drawn to.
Derek Jeter. He’s retiring, and hopefully that sparkly necklace he was wearing in his last home game will end its career very, very soon. We get it already. You’re a pretty boy. This just in – the necklace is apparently black diamonds and he wears is all the time. I’m swooning.
In other real news, I’m working on a little face lift for the blog and I am having some writing published in other places over the next few months. I’ll let you know about the site relaunch as well as where else you can find me online and in print very soon.
Have a very real weekend.
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