We are getting ready to go on a little vacation.
I’m remembering now that you’re not supposed to put on the internet when you’re leaving your house unoccupied. For safety reasons.
Let me rephrase…at some point this summer, we will go on vacation.
And so all the potential home invaders are aware, everything is in boxes because we’re moving so you really have your work cut out for you.
I’ve been reminded that personal preparation for a beach vacay is no easy task. Here’s a timeline to get you started.
Seven weeks before your vacation:
Have a heart to heart with your body. Accept it in all its beauty and flaws. Marvel in all the things it has done and can still do. Declare that this is the year you will stop obsessively comparing yourself to every other woman at the beach. You are totally over it. This will be easy because you’ll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.
Six weeks before your vacation:
Start thinking about bathing suits. Flip through the catalogs that arrive in the mail. Browse web sites looking at different suiting combinations.
- Bottoms: Bikini, brief, bikini brief, high-rise, boys short, mini-skirt, skirt, board shorts
- Tops: Bandeau, halter, string, underwire, tankini, blouson, rash guard
- One pieces: High cut, low cut, cut out, dresskini, swim dresses
Do not buy any of these suits. Completely block out the need for a bathing suit in the near future.
Four days until vacation:
Pull out the two bathing suits you already own and try them on.
Spend four hours lamenting the upper thigh area.
Ditch this whole “accept yourself” concept.
Instead, make a commitment to deal with hair removal (something you can control–in theory).
Think extensively about hair removal options.
Do not have any actual hair removed.
Three days until vacation:
Go to Target to pick up supplies for your trip. Find yourself magnetically drawn to a rack of Junior’s swim suits on clearance.
Black out and regain your senses in a dressing room surrounded by mismatched tops on clearance for $4.99.
Convince yourself you can wear the same top as a 15-year-old as long as you wear it with your respectable Landsend bottoms from last year. Who cares if the blacks aren’t an exact match? You are giving yourself countless options.
While still in the dressing room, notice your forearms and neck are twelve shades darker than the rest of your body from all the outdoor events (read baseball games) you’ve attended this spring.
Under the Target lights, assess that a nice even tan would make everything better – especially the upper thigh area.
Also, make note that you still haven’t dealt with hair removal.
Browse the self-tanners in Target while conveniently blocking out any past experiences with self-tanner specifically the Oompa Loompa incident of 1994.
Decide that Jergen’s Natural Glow is the obvious solution. It says right there on the bottle: Improved Formula. It must be better than last year. And the year before that. And the year before that.
This year it’s going to be different.
Pick up some exfoliating scrub too since you remember reading in Lucky when you used to read magazines that exfoliation is key to an even self-tan.
Two days until vacation:
Exfoliate while singing to the tune of We Will Rock You: I will, I will, BE TAN.
Evenly smooth lotion all over your body except for your forearms and neck which are already nice and leathered. Envision perfect sun-kissed color. It’s totally easy to do this on your own back.
Scrub hands until raw to avoid orange palms and cuticles.
Make a note: new formula my ass, it still smells exactly the same.
Plan to walk around naked with your arms and legs away from your body for 30 minutes or until the lotion soaks in.
Five minutes later after a stare down with your upper thighs, decide that’s enough of that, and get dressed.
Spend the rest of the day obsessing about who is noticing the self-tanner smell emanating from your body.
One day until vacation:
Get in the shower only to be reminded that you still haven’t dealt with hair removal.
With one arm out of the shower, use your phone to check and see how much it would cost to overnight bathing suit skirt to your location and cover the hair vs. remove it.
$25 for shipping alone? Grab a razor and hope for the best.
Post-shower, start to panic and order the skirt anyway.
Have a long conversation with your upper thighs about whether the skirt helps or draws more attention to them.
Get an email saying the skirt is backordered until September.
Scrap the skirt plan but only after you spend an hour looking online for another option none of which will ever be as perfect as the first skirt that is unavailable.
Decide the best viewpoint for your new tan is squinting while holding your breath. It helps blur the streaks, avoid the self-tanner smell, and makes your abs look flatter.
You’re finally on vacation:
As you sit back on your beach chair, discover a patch of previously invisible hairs in the upper thigh region that have sprouted into a forest overnight.
Observe four to seven teenagers wearing the same Junior’s clearance top you’ve selected. It’s unclear if this is good or bad news.
Notice that sweating amplifies the smell of the self-tanning lotion also making your skin a strange version of slimy.
Hiding behind large sunglasses and sun hat, scan the people nearby to see who is checking out your upper thighs.
Realize that no one is looking at you or even in your direction. Except for your husband.
And he’s not looking at your upper thighs. He is ogling your boobs.
Now you can finally enjoy the beach.
To the home invaders looting my house: The self-tanner is all yours.
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